By Santiago Rojas
Staff Writer
DisAssociatedPress

Hollywood - Under a cloud of shame, Former Vice President Al Gore had to return his Oscar this morning after it was discovered he had his Ford Expedition, one of the largest gas guzzling SUV's on the market, retrofitted with an aftermarket plugin designed for high output professional hair drying systems.

The illegal automobile enhancement was installed by Cuban and British Nationals in exchange for fabricated testimony in Gore's "controversial" docudrama, An Inconvenient Truth.

The Cubans, who are testifying under condition of anonymity before the Academy Awards Panel and the Screen Actors Guild, said in exchange for the parts they played in An Inconvenient Truth, they installed a coal burning minipowerplant in Gore's SUV in addition to the professional hair dryer retrofit, because the device's immense energy consumption renders the automobile's electrical systems inoperable. "I tried ta tell 'em that we should probably stop with the commercial expresso machine," said one of the Cubans, "but Al just kept whining day after day saying, 'But you don't understand; I promised Tipper. I promised Tipper.' So, in the end, we installed it for 'em."

The salon grade hair dryer which produces heat equivalent to a 100 megaton nuclear blast, is said to be responsible for two major glacial melts and the destruction of some 350 million acres of Arctic habitat in the location where Gore shot the bulk of his film, An Inconvenient Truth.

The film, which makes the case for global warming, was the catalyst for a mostly Democratic congress to enact legislation costing tax-payers some 5 billion annually. Congressional leaders have no plans to repeal the legislation in light of Gore's fraud. "I just feel that a man who has contributed as much to America as Al Gore has, deserves a little leeway," said Senator Hillary Clinton (Dem-NY). "After all he did take the initiative in creating the internet. That kind of ingenuity (sic) the kind which adds so much value to the lives of Americans should be rewarded with gratitude. He made a mistake, lets not throw the baby out with the bathwater."

When asked if she meant to call the former Vice President a baby, Sen. Clinton responded, "It depends on how you define 'baby'; I probably should clarify that when I say 'baby' what I really mean is fetus. This is just a figure of speech first coined by a pro-choice MD who used the phrase as a metaphore for the termination of a pregnancy."

Asked if her use of the metaphore was implying that Gore be terminated, Clinton promptly stopped the interview and referred us to her attorney at large, husband Bill.

Gore could not be reached for comment, but his publicist said Gore only used the British Nationals in the film because Americans believe "if you speak with a British accent and wear a lab coat you must be really smart." His decision to use the Cubans was a pragmatic one; he simply needed the hardware installed on his SUV and he couldn't bribe them to do the work unless he gave them a bit in the film.

By Chad Phillips
Editor in Chief
DisAssociatedPress

Washington – In the wake of remarks made by General Peter Pace in which he called homosexuality “immoral,” Dems and RHINOs are moving toward passing anti-opinion legislation.

The new bill, called the Leadership Anti-opinion Act (LAA) would make it a federal offense for public officials to have opinions.

If the bill passes, public officials found in violation of Article I, Section IV will face a maximum sentence of being sewn inside animal carcasses and thrown to hungry lions.

The White House has promised to veto the proposed legislation citing “free speech.”
“The abject absurdity of this proposed legislation is evident,” said White House Constitutional Attorney, Hyam Strait. “Not only is it unconstitutional, but it’s illogical. For if it is wrong for public officials to have opinions, what are we to make of the opinions of those who are drafting this bill? The obviously feel it’s wrong for elected officials to have opinions, yet they see nothing wrong with having their own opinions. The reality is these legislators and the PACS who support them have no problem with having or expressing opinions as long as those opinions are consistent with their own. It’s the height of hypocrisy and we plan to fight it tooth and nail.”

Regarding the constitutionality of such a law, legislators have expressed their opinion that the Constitution is a document with more elasticity than Hanes Sheer Energy Pantyhose. “The constitution is a document of incredible plasticity,” said Senator Homer Saxial, (Dem-CA). “Narrowminded, backward thinking, stupid, bigoted war mongers like Peter Pace have no business making the kind of hate filled statements we heard last week. It’s wrong; It’s un-American. The Founding Fathers knew such language goes beyond the pale of ‘free speech.’ That’s why they gave us a document which we could make say, whatever we want it to.”

Saxial had no comment when asked if his statements about Pace were reflections of his own opinion, or if he thought “Narrowminded, backward thinking, stupid, bigoted,” and “war mongers” would be considered hate speech.

Pace has declared he will not back down from his statement, nor will he apologize.

In response, gay activists are calling for legislators to make Pace dress in drag and serve cocktail wieners to legislators while they finish drafting the bill. Legislators on both sides of the aisle have promised that should the bill pass, no one will ever be offended again.

By Art Ferrel
Staff Writer
DisAssociatedPress

WASHINGTON - In a nationwide poll today, it was revealed that fully three quarters of Americans have no idea what Scooter Libby is guilty of. Fully one quarter of Americans don’t even know who he his, with half of that group thinking he was the owner of a canned food company.

Perhaps the most interesting poll question, “Do you know what Scooter Libby was found guilty of?" was met with a myriad of answers referenced to the three most liberal papers in America, The Washington Post, The LA Times, and the NY Times.

Ironically, while no one could agree on just what Libby did wrong, opinions were unanimous across the board that whatever it was, he shouldn’t have done it; that Vice President Cheney is involved; that Bush lied; that Saddam Hussein was really a benevolent soul who thought yellow cake (milled uranium oxide) was actually a concentrated food stuff produced in Africa, and that he was purchasing it to feed his starving nation due to the stringent and unnecessary embargo placed on his country by that evil empire of evil empires, the United States.

The confusion over issues and just what those issues are as promulgated in the press has brought into question the usefulness of mainstream media. “We’ve been following this trend for some time now,” said Joseph Albodon of Media Relevance, an organization which tracks the impact of media in the public domain. “Apparently, the average American gets his information from these news sources. The lack of coherency this demographic group demonstrates seems to indicate one of three alternatives: either the media’s readership is getting steadily dumber, or the media itself is unable to articulate the schema of real world issues in a comprehensible manner. While the latter is highly unlikely, an even more improbable third alternative is that it’s some combination of the two.”

Albodon, himself a subscriber to the “big three” says daily exposure to these media sources has had no effect on his political views. “Basically, if you’re an intelligent person, you can see through the convoluted and biased reporting that goes on,” he said. “I don’t need the NY Times to tell me that Bush is the antichrist, everybody knows he’s too much of a boob for that. Anne Coulter on the other hand is a different story. If she’s not Satan, then at the very least she’s the runner up to Cheney. Anyway they’re all liars. All conservatives are fascists and heartless liars by trade. I’m just glad I’m intelligent enough to have figured that out on my own.”

Joseph Albodon is a contributing writer and forum fellow for the Washington Post, The LA Times, and the NY Times. His book If You Want to be Smart Like Me, Read This Book, is currently on the NY Times Best Sellers List. He is also the author of I’m a Liberal, You’re Stupid!; Why Conservatives are Stupid; So What, You’re Stupid!; and You’re Not A Stupid Conservative Are You?  

By Santiago Rojas
Staff Writer
DisAssociatedPress

HOLLYWOOD – Movie makers are brimming with excitement over their latest movie release, an adaptation of George Orwell’s Animal Farm called Over the Edge.

Aimed at young audiences, Hollywood is guaranteeing that this will be the feel good movie of the year. “The country is tired of the same old theatrics,” said Viggo Tortellini, Studio Executive for Fox Pictures. “This film packs more of the good wholesome values people have come to expect from us.”

The film which stars government bureaucrat turned movie star, Nancy Pelosi, is slated for release in theaters this fall.

The story centers on the life of an adorable pig named Nantucket (played by Pelosi) who lives in a gated community of privileged swine, run by a kindly man named Bush (played by Richard Dreyfus). All seems well as day after day Nantucket and her fellow pigs enjoy the good life, lying around all day feasting on the choicest food and drink.

That is, until Nantucket discovers the awful truth. After an evening stroll with an aardvark named Koffka (played by John Murtha) and singing a duet reminiscent of Aladin’s A Whole New World, Nan finds out that Bush is really an evil factory farmer  intent on ridding the world of swine, thus solving the international bacon, ham, and sausage shortage. “Soon there will enough pork for everyone!” he says with a laugh.

In a performance that would make Charlton Heston envious, Nantucket demands that Bush let her people go, and after smiting farmer Bush with all manner of plagues, finally succeeds in securing her fellow swine’s freedom. [SPOILER ALERT!] Following a protracted chase across dung infested pasture, Nantucket mistakes the horizon for the promised land and leads the entire swine horde to charge headlong over a cliff into the sea.

The writers of the film are adamant that any resemblance characters in the movie have to real people or biblical characters and or stories is strictly coincidental. “This movie has a political edge to it, sure, but we feel we stayed true to Orwell’s original vision of Animal Farm,” said Aiden Renownski co-writer of the film's script. “We tried hard to make the movie as politically neutral as possible, while still remaining true to Orwell.

  

By Chad Phillips
Editor-in-Chief
DisAssociatedPress

Scientists have discovered the Covert Operations of America 's (COA) practice of "left hand binding" in leftist re-education facilities has lead to accute right brain dominance.

The practice which was carried out as a remedy for the condition known as leftwing paranoid schizophrenic disorder, has actually had the opposite effect, causing mass delusions in the majority of journalists and even some network powerbrokers.

"This explains the growing trend of journalists nationwide to report not what is actually happening in the world, but what they think is happening in the world," said Lars Olefson of the Institue for Neurostudies in Sweden.

According to Olefson, the right brain dominance becomes so accute, suffers live in an "alternate reality" with no correspondance to the real world.

Currently the federal government is looking into more effective ways to treat the illness and has suspended further use of  "binding."

Olefson, a pioneer in behavioral sciences and a former "graduate" of the COA's re-education program believes the "binding" practice is a government conspiracy aimed at causing the disintegration of society, thus bringing about a New World Order.

In a related story, legislation was put forth by the Democratic Party which would make it mandatory for teachers and parents to undergo re-education through the COA program. When asked how expansion of these "services" would be paid for, a party spokeperson said federal income taxes would have to be increased. Concerns over the tax increase has prompted some party leaders to vote themselves a raise. The increase in pay for elected officials of the federal government is slated for the middle of 2007.

By Santiago Rojas
Staff Writer
DisAssociatedPress

BRAZIL - Latin Americans with blood in their eyes publicly apologized to George Bush and America after admitting they were paid off by left wing zealots.

The People for the H.C. Latin American Front (PLAF)evidently secured high ranking leftist leaders to distribute propaganda to their people for the expressed purpose of inciting riots during the 24 hour Bush Latin American Tour. "The people of Latin America deeply regret what has happened here," said Hugo Chijuajua of the Cosortium of Latin American Free States (CLAFS). "We hope the President and people of the United States will accept our apology on behalf of the people of Latin America."

Details are sketchy, but the furor has touched off an investigation into links with high ranking media executives.

The well known organization, Conspiracy Theorists of America (CTA) have been brought in to aid investigators in speculation as to "who dun it."

Asked if CTA's liberal leanings will hurt their credibility, an investigator for Covert Operations had this to say, "We've had to send the majority of these experts to a re-education facility. Part of their "therapy" includes duct taping their left hand to their bodies so they have to do everything with the right hand. They also must begin the day with the Pledge of Allegiance and spend three hours per day studying the constitution, and practicing group identification."

Group identification involves the use of color charts where all parties are separated and asked what they see. Then they are brought back together to discuss the findings with those in their group. When everyone agrees that what they are looking at is the same color and that there is no Government conspiracy to make them think they are looking at the same color, they are considered ready for active duty.

In addition, participants in the re-education program were not allowed to view the popular television shows, Alias or Jerry Springer, as this caused some to suffer a relapse into leftwing paranoid schizophrenic disorder.

DisAssociatedPress Staff Writer and Editor Chad Phillips contributed biographical information to this article.